I feel as though I have hit a plateau and haven’t made any improvement in weeks. I am frustrated that my energy level is low and that I still have aches and pains. I am impatiently waiting for my hair to grow back in. Brian and I are still searching for the new “normal”. I so desperately want to forget what has happened this year and move on but that’s not going to happen. The memories will stay with me forever. Every ache and pain is a constant reminder.
It feels good to be back at work and earning a pay check. I am excited to get in the studio but my physical limitations are holding me back and I’m not feeling inspired. I’ll work through it eventually I hope.
I know I should be feeling more positive. My last scan came back clear which I guess means I’m cancer free but I’m far from being healed. Yesterday was my birthday and I had lots to celebrate – but it still didn’t seem like it was worth celebrating.
Complete strangers have asked me “what are you fighting?” and I don’t mind talking about it. They share their own personal story and I am very grateful for their words of support. Even though I feel like my body has been through a battle, I’m not comfortable with the phrase “fighting cancer”. I’m still processing everything that has happened in my mind and I certainly don’t consider myself a fighter.
I guess I’m just feeling stuck, like I’m not moving forward. I was so anxious to get back to normal that I never thought about what happens next. More scans, more waiting, more worrying? I have decided that my new challenge is to concentrate on living my life and to accept that cancer will always be a part of it.