What happens next 

I feel as though I have hit a plateau and haven’t made any improvement in weeks. I am frustrated that my energy level is low and that I still have aches and pains. I am impatiently waiting for my hair to grow back in. Brian and I are still searching for the new “normal”. I so desperately want to forget what has happened this year and move on but that’s not going to happen. The memories will stay with me forever. Every ache and pain is a constant reminder. 

It feels good to be back at work and earning a pay check. I am excited to get in the studio but my physical limitations are holding me back and I’m not feeling inspired. I’ll work through it eventually I hope. 

I know I should be feeling more positive. My last scan came back clear which I guess means I’m cancer free but I’m far from being healed. Yesterday was my birthday and I had lots to celebrate – but it still didn’t seem like it was worth celebrating. 

Complete strangers have asked me “what are you fighting?” and I don’t mind talking about it. They share their own personal story and I am very grateful for their words of support. Even though I feel like my body has been through a battle, I’m not comfortable with the phrase “fighting cancer”. I’m still processing everything that has happened in my mind and I certainly don’t consider myself a fighter.

I guess I’m just feeling stuck, like I’m not moving forward. I was so anxious to get back to normal that I never thought about what happens next. More scans, more waiting, more worrying? I have decided that my new challenge is to concentrate on living my life and to accept that cancer will always be a part of it.

  • Karen Sparks says:

    Gosh, I know this is so frustrating. You’ve been through hell and just want it to be over. And it must feel like no one can really understand. You can’t be positive or cheery all the time – that is just not possible. But you are fighting, whether you realize it or not. Try not to think too much about what happens next, just work on today and tomorrow. I know it sucks….but I hope you can celebrate every little “normal event”. I think you are fighting every minute, and we all love and hug you and wish we could do more. Being sick sucks, cancer sucks, a whole year of both sucks. And it doesn’t hurt to just say so and say “F” this. But things are going to get better. Lots of people love you and are pulling for you!

  • Karin says:

    Thinking of you. I would gently disagree about being a fighter, though. You have come through hell and are still standing, however woozy, however stationary. You don’t have to be running forward attacking something to be a fighter – sometimes it’s just resolutely standing your ground. And figuring out what your life will look like on your own terms as much as possible. Many hugs.