Another clear scan is behind us and we are now a year out from my last chemo treatment. As hard as I have tried to “get back to normal”, I now realize that there is no such thing. Looking in the mirror I see a completely different person and feel as though I have aged 10 years. I should feel grateful that the cancer is gone but instead I am beginning to feel frustrated and defeated for what it (and the chemo) has done to me both physically and emotionally. I don’t share this so that you will feel sorry for me. I share this so that others can understand the intense life changing experience that one goes through with a cancer diagnosis. I know I am not alone and that I have the love and support I need to continue the healing process. I know how I should feel. But I don’t feel that I fought a battle or that I have won anything. There is no victory to celebrate.
I am working hard to shift my focus and be more mindful of all the positives in my life. Although I am growing impatient, physically I will continue to get stronger. Emotionally it is going to take more time. I need to come to terms with the way I now look – and yes, I am aware of how vain that sounds. I am determined to move past all of this, focus on what really matters, and to move forward.
We just visited our favorite city again and have begun to put a plan in place so that we can someday call it home. We are not sure if it will be our permanent home or just a stopping point. There is much to be done between now and then. Part of me of very cautious and questioning every decision, another part of me wants to just jump right in and get things done. Brian has been so in tune with how I am feeling and is doing a great job of reminding me to stop and just enjoy the moment.
A dear friend and mentor is working through her own cancer diagnosis. My heart aches for her and her family. I would do anything to take this all away from her. When I was feeling my worst I knew, I felt, the love from everyone who was thinking about me. Feeling that love and knowing I had so much support meant everything to me. I would like to ask you to send those loving thoughts out once again for my friend.
Sending out my love to all of you.